Roll, Baby, Roll!

Well, Astrinomi-con is next weekend. And I'm just not interested in speed painting an army. What I really want to do is attend but not participate. Guess I'll contact them in a bit for a press pass.

Of course there is another option...



I could see if my friend Brent needs a dice caddy! Think about it--in a fast-paced, high-stress tournament situation, who wouldn't want an extra set of hands to help reglue broken models, put away fallen soldiers and cart bags, boxes, and books from table to table to hotel room to after parties--well, maybe I'm getting a little carried away.

But seriously, I can see it now:

"Brent, how did you let yourself get flamed by 15 Burna Boys?" I ask incredulously.

"They just rolled up! I forgot about them."

"Well, you can kiss your squad goodbye..."

"No! I just need one to survive so I can assault his front mob next turn and clog that opening until I get can help over here." Rolling my eyes I tell him that that is a LOT of saves to make.

"Pick me out some lucky dice," Brent begs. "Maybe the glittery-purple ones?"

"No way, Brent. You've already rolled 3 of those off the table. I know it's my job, but I am getting tired of finding your dice. It's dusty down there!"

"It's this table; look at all this terrain!" Brent complains.

"Yeah, the terrain...or maybe those three pints you had with lunch. Hang on a sec," I say as I turn away. A moment later I turn back and lean in to continue the discussion.

"What was that?" Brent asks.

"Oh, every few minutes I make eye contact with your opponent and let him see my face go blank. I hold his eyes, never blinking myself, until he looks away, which is always after a few seconds. It really seems to rattle this guy. I think that's why he keeps forgetting to shoot with those Lootas in the back."

"That's awesome!"

"Yeah, I know," I say, grinning. "It's kinda fun too. Anyway, these dice are hot," I say as I start counting out 60 red and green dice. "The last three times you rolled these, they were 50% 5+. Trust me."

"Great, thanks, Matt! What would I do without you?" Brent asks.

"Well..." I point across the table. "If you didn't have me, your opponent probably WOULDN'T be talking to a judge about 'slowplay' right now."

An Unwitting Swan Song

When Waaagh Maugrok abandoned the Sorendan moon, Imperial investigators were sent to discover how the Guard were so easily overrun. The following song was recorded by a surveillance drone at post k29, the point of first contact with the green horde. The words are slurred, but investigators were unable to determine which was fried: the drone or the singer.


To the legion of the lost ones, to the cohort of the damned,
To my brethren in their sorrow amongst the stars,
Sings a gentleman, a man cleanly bred, machinely crammed,
And a trooper of the Emperor, if you please.
Yea, a trooper of the forces who has run his own six horses,
And faith he went the pace and went it blind,
And the stars were more than kin while he held the ready tin,
But to-day the Sergeant's something less than kind.

We're poor little lambs who've lost our way,
Baa! Baa! Baa!
We're little black sheep who've gone astray,
Baa—aa—aa!
Gentlemen-rankers out on the spree,
Damned from here to Eternity,
Emperor ha' mercy on such as we,
Bah! Ha—Haa!

Oh, it's sweet to sweat through stables, sweet to empty kitchen slops,
And it's sweet to hear the tales the troopers tell,
To dance with blowzy housemaids at the regimental hops
And thrash the cad who says you waltz too well.
Yes, it makes you cock-a-hoop to be "Rider" to your troop,
And branded with a blasted worsted spur,
When you envy, O how keenly, one poor Tommy being cleanly
Who blacks your boots and sometimes calls you "Sir".

If the home we never write to, and the oaths we never keep,
And all we know most distant and most dear,
Across the snoring barrack-room return to break our sleep,
Can you blame us if we soak ourselves in beer?
When the drunken comrade mutters and the great guard-lantern gutters
And the horror of our fall is written plain,
Every secret, self-revealing on the aching white-washed ceiling,
Do you wonder that we drug ourselves from pain?

We have done with Hope and Honour, we are lost to Love and Truth,
We are dropping down the ladder rung by rung,
And the measure of our torment is the measure of our youth.
God help us, for we knew the worst too young!
Our shame is clean repentance for the crime that brought the sentence,
Our pride it is to know no spur of pride,
And the Curse of being Human holds till alien turf enfolds us
And we die, and none can tell Them where we died.


We're poor little lambs who've lost our way,
Baa! Baa! Baa!
We're little black sheep who've gone astray,
Baa—aa—aa!
Gentlemen-rankers out on the spree,
Damned from here to Eternity,
Emperor ha' mercy on such as we—

[interrupted by a guttural roar of voices]
“WAAAaaaggghhh!!!”


The song was found to be blasphemous and the singer's end fitting.


Endnote:
I've never much cared for Rudyard Kipling, but his "Gentlemen-Rankers" caught my eye. I've tweaked it a little to fit the grimness of the far distant future. But not much. I guess war that spills off the tabletop sucks in any millennium.

The Sadness of Second Place

What's this jibber-jabber?

This fool actually added a picture to his blog finally? Well, all right!

Yeah, I'm quite distraught that I can't dive right into the WHFB RB. They need to hurry up and release it before I accidentally create my own game system centered on Chuck Norris and Mr. T. I'll bet they'd sell me the rights pretty cheap and I bet I could market it. Anyway, I've been sprinkling samples from my developing game in other peoples' comments sections, but I thought I would repost a couple of them here, because it gives me an excuse to share one of my favorite mental images with the world (see pic).

The Beard of Charles: Being the pinnacle of Mankind's achievements in the realm of facial hair (a distant second going to Mr. T as the Bearded Lady in the Movie "Freaked"), Chuck Norris's beard affords him a 2+ Invulnerable Save.

Turn the Other Cheek: Should Chuck Norris choose to show a measure of mercy and 'turn the other cheek,' the other side of The Beard of Charles affords him additional protection. Chuck Norris may reroll his Invulnerable Save. If he does so, he loses one attack in the next round of fighting.

Mission M-Possible

As in "maybe possible."

Well, this blog has been languishing in cyperspace for nigh on a year, and I figured it was time to revist its purpose. By any reckoning I have failed in my recent hobby undertakings. But on the other hand, I've weathered some fairly serious life-changes in the past year and, thank God, have landed on all fours, so to speak, so I'm not complaining. Now I have the expectation of some free time in the coming months (four posts in four days?!?! Next thing you know I'll be monetizing) and am eager to spend some of it with my man-dolls.

In years past I've been able to participate a little in two different gaming communities. More recently, while my gaming and blogging have been meager, I have been able to indulge in lurking and mathhammar during stolen moments, which has given me a perspective on a broader community and has strengthened my grasp on the theory of the game. So why am I not diving back into playing 40k now that I have a chance?

Well, the FLGS is having a long event to build up our Fantasy armies, begining with the release of the new RB. In keeping with my initial mission, the event is focused on prepping for 'Ard Boyz 2011. This still appeals to me because I still value gameplay over painting or (sadly) even being a good sportsman. Maybe we should rename 'Ard Boyz "Ass'oles." ... Nah, that takes it from sounding like a "fabulous porn" (dare you follow the link?) to sounding like a gay porn. Anyway...

I suspect others at the FLGS will have more time, money, and experience to bring to competition, BUT a new RB might level the playing field a little, if I actually have some time to spend with it. I'm usually a quick study. We shall see. But what does this mean to you, my reader(s?)? (Hi, Simon! And Brent?) Well, you might actually get to see some conversions and possibly even painted minis. "My" Orcs and Goblins army is really my wife's, and she is keen to own, assemble and paint. Sounds like a sure-fire way to over-achieve to me, but whatever makes her happy.

Oh, and one last test: "Hasselhoff"

Chuck NorrHammeris

Someone in the Blog of War finally asked a Meaningful Question.

My "modest" answer was too long for the comments form, so it has been relegated to a much smaller readership. Here are a few of my Special Rules for including Chuck Norris in your 40k army:

Important Things to Do: Chuck Norris is a busy man, and therefore always successfully seizes the initiative. Any army including Chuck Norris will NOT deploy any units other than Chuck Norris, as all other units are superfluous and therefore a waste of Chuck's valuable time. The enemy army will (quickly) line up at a place to be determined by Chuck Norris (not Chuck Norris's "controlling player," because who but Chuck can control Chuck Norris?) and prepares themselves for an ass-kicking (or worse).

Game Breaker: Chuck Norris is not just a Special Character; he's an EXTRA special character. He doesn't just break bones; he breaks entire games as well and therefore may not be used in standard tournament play--UNLESS he wants to be used, in which case it would be wise to view this "rule" as more of a "guideline." If two players cannot agree on this issue, roll a D6 and on a 1+, Chuck Norris gets his way. We find this is typically the least bloody, least tearful way to resolve all possible disputes involving Chuck Norris at the gaming table.

Epic Win: Chuck Norris always wins. (Sorry to waste ink on the obvious, thus driving up the price of this codex for you, the consumer. However, Games Workshop insisted on that line for the sake of clarity. Why they started bothering with that now is a mystery, but it may have something to do with a fear of reprisal from Mr. Norris. If only Mr. Norris would condescend to be on the Board of Directors at Games Workshop, we might see some real improvement in the rules. Again, sorry about wasting all this ink, but the authors also fear reprisals from Chuck Norris. "Mr. Norris for Emperor in 2010!!!" Ok, back to the rule...)
Roll a D6 and consult the following Chuck Norris Victory Table:

1--Chuck Norris wins: There's no shame in losing to Chuck Norris--you'll be able to tell your grandchildren someday about the time you played Chuck Norris--so shake his hand like a gentleman. Just be prepared for a few broken metacarpals.

2--Chuck Norris vanquishes you: Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals) AND put on a padded sumo-wrestler outfit. The extra cushioning will save your life when Chuck Norris bitch slaps you to the wall/floor. Also, prepare for a liquid diet; your jaw will take 6 months to heal.

3--Chuck Norris conquers you: Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals), brace for bitch slap (prepare for broken jaw), AND relinquish all minis currently in your possession. Kneel and swear eternal fealty to Chuck Norris (I mean, really, why haven't we all done this already?) and finally, swear never again to command the army with which you just lost so heinously.

4--Chuck Norris dominates: Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals), brace for bitch slap (prepare for broken jaw), hand over all your minis and swear both never again to command the lost army and also to serve Chuck Norris eternally, AND offer to deliver a message for Chuck Norris. He will then hand you a sealed envelope and ask you to deliver it to your wife. You may not open the envelope, but know that it contains Chuck Norris's phone number and that you should probably start looking for a new place to live.

5--Chuck Norris wins absolutely: Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals), brace for bitch slap (prepare for broken jaw), hand over all your minis and swear both never again to command the lost army and also to serve Chuck Norris eternally, offer to deliver Mr. Norris's digits, AND show him a picture of your wife. When his eyes fall upon her image, she will become instantly pregnant. You now have the honor of raising a primarch of our age.

6--Chuck Norris's Epic Win: Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals), brace for bitch slap (prepare for broken jaw), hand over all your minis and swear both never again to command the lost army and also to serve Chuck Norris eternally, offer to deliver Mr. Norris's digits, and show him a picture of your wife. Not only is she now pregnant with his child, you are as well. You will both bear his progeny, and, inexplicably, they will be identical twins. While you may be apprehensive about the delivery (and good luck with that, by the way), be thankful. Chuck Norris just rolled a 6--the only thing saving you from a roundhouse kick to the face is the fact that you are carrying his baby!



Well, maybe I have just enough steam to go parse my comments for that other blog...

The Grass is Greener in Vancouver

And now Dallas.

Wouldn't you know it. When I lived in Dallas, I knew some guys who were friends with someone involved in Astronomi-con. I believe some guys even flew up there one year and had a blast. Sounded like it was a large event that would be a lot of fun for the participants and a lot of work for the hosts. Anyway, there was always talk of bringing an Astronomi-con event to Dallas, but I couldn't see any good reason for importing Canadian organizers when we have our own.

Well, now that I am no longer in Dallas, I find out that this con will be held a mile or so from my former apartment (and just up stairs from homebrew AND pipe stores in which I once liked to lurk).

So don't miss Astronomi-con if you're in Toronto, Winnipeg, Vancouver, OR Dallas:
http://www.astronomi-con.com/

Strange, don't you think?

Hang-Dog Days of Summer

Summer break starts Monday. Sort of. Anyway, I'm supposed to be working at the moment, but it FEELS like the summer-goof-off days right now! So a quick diversion.

I just discovered that the big clock counting down on the Games Workshop homepage is telling me when I can preorder Edition 8 of Warhammer. So it looks like I can place my order at 4:00 A.M. on Tuesday, June 15th. I wonder if Galaxy will be open then?

Yeah, don't come here for the cutting edge new. The book should be out next month. I'm disappointed; I only get so much time off in the summer. I want the book ASAP. I'm NOT looking forward to preordering, I'm looking forward to reading while I'm out of work--that's a 500+ page book!

Oh well. Guess I'll go scrounge around for rumors of a new Orc and Goblins Army Book...